


When Words Hurt More Than Bruises Do

by messedup



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Drunk Ben, Emotional Hurt, Hurt Ben, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Self-hatred, Mentions of Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-09 05:21:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20848190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/messedup/pseuds/messedup
Summary: Jay confronts Ben about what happened.An after episode kind of fic from Monday´s (30th September) episode





	When Words Hurt More Than Bruises Do

**Author's Note:**

> A short, very quickly written and not at all edited fic because I just watched Monday´s episode and even though I should be doing some work I had too many feelings and I needed to write something. Hope you enjoy! <3

Ben grimaced as he downed another shot. He couldn´t possibly say how many he had had even if he bothered to think about it. Which he didn´t, because there were tears burning in his eyes and a twisting pain in his chest that seemed to grow stronger by the second. All he wanted to do was neck drink after drink until he forgot everything that had happened that night. Everything that had happened before - hell, he didn´t even want to remember Callum´s name if it would in turn ease even the slightest bit of the numbness he felt. 

Ben squeezed his eyes shut as hard as he could, willing the slowly building tears away, before bringing another shot to his lips. He gulped it down in one sip, swiping his sleeve over his mouth. The memory of the kiss flashed before his eyes and he couldn´t stop thinking about this – this stranger´s – lips pressed against his. Ben shook his head in a futile attempt to rid his mind of these thoughts. He hadn´t wanted to kiss that guy. Hadn´t even enjoyed it in the slightest, because if he was honest with himself he didn´t want anybody right now. Well, anybody other than Callum. He had tried to get into that kiss, tried his best to see it as a chance to forget Callum, to move on. To get rid of that feeling, that rush that overcame him every time Callum just as much as talked to him or even looked at him from afar. To stop his mind from being occupied with thoughts of only him non-stop. But he couldn´t. The only thing he had felt kissing that guy was the longing that it would be Callum instead. But he couldn´t let that happen. Not again, however much he wanted to.

Suddenly, there was a hand on his shoulder that brought Ben out of his thoughts. He tried to turn around, steadying himself with one arm on the bar as to not fall over in his drunken state. “Mate! What the hell was that?!” The expression on Jay´s face was mixture of anger and confusion and nothing Ben felt up to facing right now. He quickly looked around for Lola, but apparently she had gone.

“What?”, Ben asked meeting his gaze, his words coming out only as a barely understandable slur. 

“Oh, no, no, no! Don´t give me that!” Jay pointed a finger at him in warning. “Earlier today you got all offended when I was asking about you and Callum, yeah? - Basically told me you weren´t gonna hurt him and now you go and do that?” 

Ben didn´t answer. He looked straight ahead, refusing to acknowledge Jay´s demanding stare, only shaking his head.

“Ben!”, Jay urged.

Ben turned to him abruptly. “What, Jay?! What do you want?!” The anger that was rising in him was evident in his voice. "You were the one who told me that we weren´t right for each other, right? You!” Ben paused, trying to compose himself and failing miserably. “I mean, I´m used to Ian´s comments by now, don´t really care what he thinks, but then you come and tell me I´m not good enough for him too?”

The fury was still strong, but there was also another undertone to his voice now. Jay recognized it as hurt.

“Ben, I didn´t say that! I was just surprised, okay? I never said you weren´t good enough for him!”

Ben either didn´t hear him in his drunken and angry state or simply didn´t want to answer. He kept going on without taking any notice.

“And – and then Stuart turns up too. And I expected him to have a go, beat me up, kick me, whatever, I´m used to that by now,” - Jay looked at him in surprise, “but him talking about – about Paul -” There were tears running down his cheeks now. “How he doesn´t want Callum to end up like him. Getting hurt,” More tears escaped his eyes. He didn´t even bother wiping them away. “because of me!” The last words came out through gritted teeth.

For a moment, Jay was shocked into silence. Ben really wasn´t one to show his feelings so openly, let alone cry in public. It had been a long time, since even he had seen him so vulnerable. And the self-hatred he could tell Ben was feeling was certainly something he had hoped to never see again.

Jay didn´t know what to say. Instead, he stepped forward and pulled him into a hug. He almost expected Ben to resist, to push him back in his anger, but Ben just buried his face in his shoulder. Jay could hear he was still crying. 

“I´m sorry, mate. I´m so sorry.” He tightened his grip around him, just holding on for a while. “I didn´t realize how much you love him.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3
> 
> I always appreciate feedback :) Also, come chat with me on tumblr if you want, I´m @stillamess22!


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